Routines and schedules are not the same!
Routines and schedules are not the same thing.
There – I’ve said it! It’s something that’s been bugging me for a while. I constantly hear people use these terms interchangeably – but it drives me crazy! They are not the same!
Noun: A sequence of actions regularly followed; a fixed program: “I settled down into a routine“.
Noun: A plan for carrying out a process or procedure, giving lists of intended events and times: “we have drawn up an engineering schedule“.
Source: Kobiz7
If you’re a parent, chances are you’ve heard the saying “All babies thrive on routine.” Why is it that the people who say that then seem to invariably go on to describe the schedule that they followed with their baby? Or worse the schedule they think you should follow with yours?
But I don’t believe the rigid application of a schedule to a routine works for all babies. Routines might suit all babies, as the saying goes, but I learned the hard way that schedules don’t.
And now that Little Man is heading for his second birthday, I sometimes get asked by parents of younger children “How old was he when he settled into a routine?” And looking back on it, I’d say we had established routines with him after the first few weeks. But if what someone really means is “When did he start to adhere to a schedule?”, well the answer is much later – six months or so, and he fell into it naturally in the end, through no great effort on our parts.
I may have mentioned before that I “invested” in a veritable library of baby books when we found out Little Man was on the way. There are some differences between these books but for the most part the premise is the same: follow these rules and your baby will be happy, feed well, and most importantly “sleep through the night.”
In general, the books talk about routines and provide guides that they call routines, designed to suit different age groups. But when you look, it’s not a routine in the guide – it’s a schedule! Usually something along the lines of this:
7am Wake and feed
9am Nap for one hour
10am Wake and feed
12 noon: Nap for two hours
2pm wake and feed
4pm Nap for one hour
5pm Wake and half feed
6pm Warm bath
6.30pm Give the other half of the feed
7pm Bed
11pm Dreamfeed**
And as I discovered, when you are tired, and sore from feeding, and trying to learn the ropes as a new parent, it’s very easy to be swayed by promises of following a few rules, sticking to a schedule, and in return you are “guaranteed” a baby who thrives and sleeps through the night. And yes, if you look in the small print, there are some notes about tweaking the schedule as required, but who has time to read the small print when you are tired, sore from feeding, and trying to learn the ropes…!
As I’ve said before, I learned the hard way that the baby hasn’t read the book! He or she doesn’t know that things are supposed to happen at a particular time. Speaking of which, babies aren’t so good at reading the time either!
Now don’t get me wrong – some babies thrive on schedules, strict ones at that! But because strict schedules work for some babies (and because they work REALLY well for some babies – yes I am jealous!), I think there’s a tendency to promote the idea that they work for all babies.
But that’s not true as far as I can tell. Babies are individuals, with individual needs. There is no “one-size-fits-all” solution, because babies have differing needs. I need only talk to the other mothers in the local mother and baby group to realise what a wide range of “normal” there is. Just because the book says that babies sleep on average 16 hours a day at a given age, doesn’t mean that all babies of that age sleep 16 hours. Some sleep more and some sleep less.
I wish all the books admitted as much! (So far the only one I’ve found that admitted this is the No Cry Sleep Solution – and if you’ve read my review of that book, you’ll know that I believe it saved my sanity in the first year, even if it didn’t have the magic solution I was hoping for!)
Did schedules work for your baby? Or routines? Was there a particular book that you relied on for advice or did you just trust your instincts? Do you think the Baby Expert books tend to oversell the idea that there’s a one-size fits all solution to parenting?
**Note: This is a schedule that I pulled out of my head. If it bears any resemblance to a Gina Ford schedule or a Tracey Hogg schedule, that’s because I tried my best to follow both of them when Little Man was very small, so their timings are what stick in my head. In case it’s not obvious, I am in no way advocating the above schedule – I do not claim to be a parenting expert of any kind. I am just a parent. The only advice I can offer based on my experiences with Little Man is that getting to know him, and then more importantly learning to trust myself to read his cues and anticipate his needs was the most effective approach in our house.
This post of inspired by a post call Breaking Down BabyWise over on MilkBubbles blog. Check it out – it’s an interesting read.
And this is an interesting read too. I’ll be honest – I’ve been googling sleep schedules of late simply because I haven’t at times got a clue what my baby needs and would like some ideas. The only “expert” books I’ve read are “What to Expect The First Year” and Dr Sears “Baby Book” and actually I’ve found them helpful without being too prescriptive.
Hi Adele,
I never read the Dr Sear’s Baby Book, but I do have the What to Expect book, and your comment reminded me that I was wrong to lump all baby books in together. The What to Expect book gives advice on many different approaches to babycare from what I remember, and doesn’t advocate a single “one size fits all” approach in the same way that some of the others, like Gina Ford, and the Baby Whisperer do. (And I know that the Baby Whisperer distinguishes between different types of babies, but she does so in a way that implies that all babies fit into one of these particular categories – I know mine didn’t.) I’ve just grown to dislike the prescriptive books because I think they are selling an ideal and setting many parents up for failure when their baby doesn’t conform to the ideal as described in the book.
I think there is nothing wrong with trying a schedule to see if it works or suits your baby – as long as you don’t blame yourself if it doesn’t work (which is what I tended to do!).
And this is an interesting read too. I’ll be honest – I’ve been googling sleep schedules of late simply because I haven’t at times got a clue what my baby needs and would like some ideas. The only “expert” books I’ve read are “What to Expect The First Year” and Dr Sears “Baby Book” and actually I’ve found them helpful without being too prescriptive.
Hi Adele,
I never read the Dr Sear’s Baby Book, but I do have the What to Expect book, and your comment reminded me that I was wrong to lump all baby books in together. The What to Expect book gives advice on many different approaches to babycare from what I remember, and doesn’t advocate a single “one size fits all” approach in the same way that some of the others, like Gina Ford, and the Baby Whisperer do. (And I know that the Baby Whisperer distinguishes between different types of babies, but she does so in a way that implies that all babies fit into one of these particular categories – I know mine didn’t.) I’ve just grown to dislike the prescriptive books because I think they are selling an ideal and setting many parents up for failure when their baby doesn’t conform to the ideal as described in the book.
I think there is nothing wrong with trying a schedule to see if it works or suits your baby – as long as you don’t blame yourself if it doesn’t work (which is what I tended to do!).
I’m so glad I read this comment. Theo is now 7 months, and a few months ago I finally stopped stressing out that he wasn’t on a strict schedule! From the beginning after they are born you get sent emails saying your baby should be doing this and that, and most importantly, sleeping through the night! I it so paranoid that I tried to do the gina ford routine after someone lent me the book.
It was at a time when I was feeling really run down and it didnt work at all! It felt wrong to me, and Theo definitely didn’t agree with it. He was awake when he ‘should’ have been asleep and feeding for longer or shorter than he should! I quickly abandoned it as my instincts were telling me it was wrong for us. I’m glad I did. I totally agree that it does work for some babies, but that’s the key isn’t it, some babies, not all. Like you said all babies are individual and not one thing will work for all.
Since then we have just let Theo dictate his own schedule, and try and fit the routine around that. One month he will need to go to bed by 8 the next he can stay up til 11. We’ve found that because he is constantly chaining and goof through different developmental stages it’s impossible to stick to the same schedule anyway!
I do feel a lot calmer about things, most of the time, but still get the pangs of, oh my baby isn’t doing what he ‘should’ be doing, and comparing him to other babies his age! Its annoying, but only natural I think!
I’ve just ordered the no cry sleep solution, and am glad you said it helped you!
Hi Abigail, That used to happen to us too – we’d work hard to get Little Man settled and following a particular schedule, and then his needs would change, and the schedule wouldn’t suit anymore! And I would often feel like it was because of something I was doing wrong – but of course looking back now I can see that wasn’t the case. He just wasn’t ready for it!
Hope you find the No Cry Sleep Solution helps you too.
I’m so glad I read this comment. Theo is now 7 months, and a few months ago I finally stopped stressing out that he wasn’t on a strict schedule! From the beginning after they are born you get sent emails saying your baby should be doing this and that, and most importantly, sleeping through the night! I it so paranoid that I tried to do the gina ford routine after someone lent me the book.
It was at a time when I was feeling really run down and it didnt work at all! It felt wrong to me, and Theo definitely didn’t agree with it. He was awake when he ‘should’ have been asleep and feeding for longer or shorter than he should! I quickly abandoned it as my instincts were telling me it was wrong for us. I’m glad I did. I totally agree that it does work for some babies, but that’s the key isn’t it, some babies, not all. Like you said all babies are individual and not one thing will work for all.
Since then we have just let Theo dictate his own schedule, and try and fit the routine around that. One month he will need to go to bed by 8 the next he can stay up til 11. We’ve found that because he is constantly chaining and goof through different developmental stages it’s impossible to stick to the same schedule anyway!
I do feel a lot calmer about things, most of the time, but still get the pangs of, oh my baby isn’t doing what he ‘should’ be doing, and comparing him to other babies his age! Its annoying, but only natural I think!
I’ve just ordered the no cry sleep solution, and am glad you said it helped you!
Hi Abigail, That used to happen to us too – we’d work hard to get Little Man settled and following a particular schedule, and then his needs would change, and the schedule wouldn’t suit anymore! And I would often feel like it was because of something I was doing wrong – but of course looking back now I can see that wasn’t the case. He just wasn’t ready for it!
Hope you find the No Cry Sleep Solution helps you too.